Only Good Jokes Here!

by **Gemini** » 05 Jun 2005, 22:05

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
> >squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
> >
> >She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed
> >and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was
> >quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office.
> >
> >He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about
it.
> >He did it and returned to his class.
> >
> >Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went
back
> >to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his p****s
> >hanging out.
> >
> >"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
> >
> >"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
> >noon, She'd come and pick me up from school."
> >
> >
> >
> >KIDS...DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

by **Dadaist** » 05 Jun 2005, 22:36

This joke is set during the sixties in a school in the east end of London.

A teacher sets an exercise for her class to write about the police. Most of the essays are the usual fare, but one from a particularly tough kid simply reads "Coppers is ba****ds."

She makes a few calls and arranges a day out with the local police for this pupil - they take him out in a panda car, let him use the radio, show him round the station and give him a slap up meal.

On his return the teacher asks him to write his essay again.

After a while he hands it to her and it reads "Coppers is cunning ba****ds."

by **bellybabe** » 08 Jun 2005, 11:48

by **foxy** » 08 Jun 2005, 12:43

by **Porty** » 09 Jun 2005, 21:37

by **Pal of Porty** » 10 Jun 2005, 12:41

by **Poppy** » 03 Jul 2005, 17:51

by **Gemini** » 03 Jul 2005, 22:56

by **Poppy** » 04 Jul 2005, 07:27

by **Gemini** » 04 Jul 2005, 23:09

by **Gemini** » 21 Jul 2005, 07:33

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their son's behaviour.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

by **Gemini** » 21 Jul 2005, 19:57

by **Ned Ludd** » 23 Jul 2005, 08:47

by **Gemini** » 25 Jul 2005, 10:49

by **arachnid** » 27 Aug 2005, 22:14

by **bearcub** » 28 Aug 2005, 21:42

by **Gemini** » 28 Aug 2005, 22:26

by **Poppy** » 30 Aug 2005, 18:41

This one is doing the rounds at work:

:roll:

by **Dadaist** » 01 Sep 2005, 18:39

by **ecm** » 02 Sep 2005, 19:56

by **Poppy** » 02 Sep 2005, 20:41

by **Poppy** » 07 Sep 2005, 18:29

by **teddygirl** » 07 Sep 2005, 18:49

by **arachnid** » 21 Sep 2005, 22:19

by **arachnid** » 25 Sep 2005, 22:06

Got this sent to me the other day< thought you all might like to try it!!! :lol:

You don't have to mail it to your friends, unless you want to!!! :lol:

At the end of this message, you are asked a question.
Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun "test"... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a
try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many
people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in
the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand
what that means after you finish taking the "test".

Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
one.

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is:

15 + 6

3 + 56

89 + 2

12 + 53

75 + 26

25 + 5 2

63 + 32

I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..

Come on, one more...

123 + 5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!

Scroll further to the bottom...

A bit more...

You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?

If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this ! exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

by DG » 26 Sep 2005, 09:49

by **arachnid** » 26 Sep 2005, 21:33

by **Epykat** » 27 Sep 2005, 17:07

by **foxy** » 27 Sep 2005, 18:34

by **arachnid** » 28 Sep 2005, 22:35

Subject: little truths

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the
toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Have a wonderful day with many *smiles*

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked :wink:

by **Epykat** » 28 Sep 2005, 22:40

That sort of reminds me of my Granny in law who was 80 - she said "all my life I've been saving for my old age - but I don't know when I've to start spending it"

by **nads** » 30 Sep 2005, 07:25

by **Maria** » 30 Sep 2005, 09:32

by **nads** » 30 Sep 2005, 11:51

by **Gemini** » 30 Sep 2005, 20:18

Only Good Jokes Here!

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