Only Good Jokes Here!

[Sandra]

[Sandra]

[Gemini]

[foxy]

[arachnid]

Lot of good reasons to drink there Sandra!!!!

[Sandra]

[Sandra]

[bearcub]

[prombabe]

[prombabe]

[Sandra]

[karen]

[wangi]

"Order the signal to be sent, Hardy"

"Aye Aye, Sir"

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry, Sir"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"

"Admiralty policy sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist"

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke–free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle"

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, because of the Governments policy on binge-drinking"

"Good heavens Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you will find that there's a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water "

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crows nest please"

"Sorry sir that wont be possible"

"What?"

"Health and Safety have closed the crows nest sir; no safety harness. They also said that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't allow anyone up there until proper scaffolding is erected".

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay"

"He's busy at the moment knocking up wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral"

"Wheelchair access I have never heard anything so absurd"

"Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled"

"Differently abled? I've only got one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to rank of Admiral by playing the disability card"

"Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented to the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency"

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salty spray beckons"

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts"

"I've never heard so much infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy"

"The men are a bit worried about the shooting at anyone Admiral"

"What? This is mutiny"

"It's not that sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There are a couple of lawyers on board watching everyone like hawks"

"Then how are we to sink Frenchie and the Spanish? "

"Actually sir, we aren't"

"We aren't!"

"No sir, the Frenchie and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't actually be in these stretches of water. We could in fact be hit for a claim for compensation"

"But you hate a Frenchie as you hate the devil"

"I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir, or you will be up on a disciplinary "

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King"

"Not any more sir, we must be inclusive of this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it is the rules"

"Don't tell me Health and Safety rules. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

"As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is now a ban on corporal punishment"

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it is to be encouraged, sir"

"In that case...kiss me Hardy"

[Maria]

[wangi]

[ecm]

[ecm]

[ecm]

[arachnid]

How Dog Rules Evolve



1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.

15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

[ifstar]

Not a joke - but another lip sync video

[bellybabe]

[ecm]

[Sandra]

[Gemini]

[Hell's Cat]

[Gemini]

[Bob Jefferson]

[Gemini]

[Gemini]

[Dadaist]

[Scoop]

What's PINK and hangs out your pants?




Your mum...............

[foxy]

[rathbone]

[Sandra]

[Sandra]