Only Good Jokes Here!

by **Scorpion** » 27 May 2006, 18:44

Funny animal videos, wmv file http://tinyurl.com/rjkt7

by **arachnid** » 30 May 2006, 21:30

by **Hell's Cat** » 31 May 2006, 12:30

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

by **ras** » 31 May 2006, 14:17

a bit late...

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney.

Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have
no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil as possible.

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world
amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles
and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been
signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to
get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul had got prior to the wedding; he gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler. The main gift
was a plane but then he gave her a Ladyshave for the other leg.

by **Dadaist** » 02 Jun 2006, 19:12

by **Scorpion** » 03 Jun 2006, 00:00

by **bearcub** » 03 Jun 2006, 21:16

by **Hell's Cat** » 09 Jun 2006, 13:31

by **Hell's Cat** » 09 Jun 2006, 13:31

by **Hell's Cat** » 09 Jun 2006, 13:34

by **Cleopas** » 09 Jun 2006, 20:37

by **Cleopas** » 14 Jun 2006, 16:59

by **arachnid** » 16 Jun 2006, 22:57

Koala Tea

Two kangaroo shooters are way out the back of Bourke when their ute breaks down. They do the right thing and stay with it but no one comes along. So they decide to walk out with the temperature being 40 degrees Celsius plus.

After 2 days, theyâ€™re on their last drop of radiator water when they climb a rise and find, nailed to a tree, a sign saying MERCY, POPULATION 12. In the distance there's a collection of ramshackle tin huts. They arrive and identify one hut as a cafÃ©. They enter.

A lady appears, very proper. "Yis", she says.

"Bring us a drink, luv. Make it long and quick."

"We only serve one thing here."

"Whatâ€™s that?"

"Koala tea."

"Well, bring it luv, only make it quick!"

She brings it, and she is not kidding. Pathetic little paws grip the edge of the billy and little furry ears poke through the murky surface. Well, kangaroo shooters are pretty tough but theyâ€™re not this tough. They look at each other and beg the woman to "take it away please, and strain it."

"What?" she says, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

by **foxy** » 17 Jun 2006, 20:33

by **Epykat** » 17 Jun 2006, 22:17

by **teddygirl** » 17 Jun 2006, 22:24

by **gilo** » 18 Jun 2006, 00:17

by **ali** » 18 Jun 2006, 08:45

by **bearcub** » 18 Jun 2006, 17:30

by **bearcub** » 18 Jun 2006, 17:31

by **bellybabe** » 18 Jun 2006, 19:30

by **arachnid** » 18 Jun 2006, 21:20

by **Cleopas** » 19 Jun 2006, 09:24

arachnid wrote:

"What?" she says, "The Koala Tea of Mercy is not strained."

I get this just fine! What was the problem for the rest of you? No Koala Tea in your lives???

by **Cleopas** » 21 Jun 2006, 19:41

Enjoy!

http://www.jokefile.co.uk/japan/japancl ... tml#nipple

Will they catch on here??? :lol:

by **arachnid** » 20 Aug 2006, 22:01

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

by **Bob Jefferson** » 21 Aug 2006, 20:11

I don't do jokes, but I wanted to share this true story with you. A neighbour of mine is currently dismantling his lean-to glasshouse/conservatory, or 'sitooterie' as he likes to call it. All of the glass has now been removed from the aluminium frame with the exception of the door. Nevertheless, his elderly and half-blind dog seems to be oblivious to the new opportunities to step through the framework and still sits patiently, waiting for him to open the door to be allowed out.

Well you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

by **foxy** » 21 Aug 2006, 21:12

Irish Setter? :twisted:

by **Scorpion** » 21 Aug 2006, 23:09

by **Bob Jefferson** » 23 Aug 2006, 17:54

by **Marguerite-the-Poet** » 23 Aug 2006, 18:16

by **Scorpion** » 26 Aug 2006, 19:53

by **Scorpion** » 05 Sep 2006, 19:48

by **arachnid** » 14 Sep 2006, 20:47

by **Scorpion** » 23 Sep 2006, 16:08

Only Good Jokes Here!

How evil are you?

Re: How evil are you?

The State of Ghandi

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