Only Good Jokes Here!

[Scorpion]

Ainsley Harriott was endorsing his own range of sausages with him plastered
all over the front of the packaging. Underneath the photo, and he swears
this is true, some wag at the packaging design dept had placed the legend
"Pric k with a fork"

[Scorpion]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

[Scorpion]

[Black Mamba]

Did you know the girl who was killed by the first shark attack in Jaws had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders on the beach

[Black Mamba]

One of Mr. Bm's students (he's a driving instructor) told him this joke.

Two nuns are driving along in a car when a vampire jumps out and lands on the bonnet. The passenger nun shouts show him your cross, show him your cross. The driving nun shouts get of my bloody car!!!!

I didn't laugh either!!

[arachnid]

GRANDMA DRIVER'S

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come
from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting,
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light
had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for the Lord!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
been a man from Florida back there e, because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach.
I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck
up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove
on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as
I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Share Grandma's letter with your friends!

[bearcub]

[arachnid]

[Cleopas]

[arachnid]

New Wine for Seniors


California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily
produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have
developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people
have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...


PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!!

[Black Mamba]

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

[Black Mamba]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Black Mamba]

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

[bearcub]

TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet
paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...there's
more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants
down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This
kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell
that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.



*Rules of pooing at work*

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POO* is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER* -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify *SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the Building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This Way youwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a*WATERMELON*, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective When used in conjunction with an *ASTAIRE*.

*ASTAIRE* -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

*WATERMELON* -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the Toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANAOMELET* -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

*UNCLE TED* -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on The pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, As you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This Benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

[Black Mamba]

[Poppy]

[bearcub]

[Black Mamba]

[rathbone]

[Scorpion]

[Maria]

[Scorpion]

[Poppy]

[arachnid]

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY!




We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And people are less considerate now, especially the young ones They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, and hips?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities

PS: ! I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.

[bellybabe]

[Black Mamba]

[Scorpion]

[arachnid]

if and why


If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies"...

You know how most packages say "Open here".
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

If you have your finger touching the rear-view mirror that says --
"objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

If Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
_________________

[Scorpion]

[bellybabe]

[Dadaist]

[bearcub]

[Bob Jefferson]

True story. My colleague and I stopped at a coffee shop in the Borders today. We chatted with the charming ladies behind the counter, while they prepared our lattés and home-baking, about the A7 road and how dangerous it was to drive on.

"And what I hate most is men who come up my bum" said one. "Can't you do something about it?"

There was a quiet moment while we all contemplated what she had just said. I'm not sure who giggled first but I just had time to reply,

"Well it's not to everyone's taste but it's not actually illegal"

before all four of us collapsed into uncontrollable laughter, tears streaming from our eyes.

At this moment, an elderly lady entered the shop to order a tuna sandwich. Neither of the women were at this point able to speak, let alone serve her, so she shook her head and left.

Eventually, we composed ourselves and concluded the transaction.

"You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" she pleaded as we left.

"Not at all", I replied, "your secret is safe with me."

[kipling]

[Dadaist]