Only Good Jokes Here!

[Hell's Cat]

J ack Schitt
Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt!"

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
______________

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Yours sincerely,
Crock O Schitt.

[ecm]

[Maria]

Someone called Boris sent me this one the other day:

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world
looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen
and hopefully win Liverpool the title.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to
Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about
his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 mins today, we were
4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the
media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great
time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the
first place!"

[bellybabe]

[bellybabe]

[Maria]

[Hell's Cat]

Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be arsed".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[Hell's Cat]

[bellybabe]

[CatzVP]

[CatzVP]

[CatzVP]

[CatzVP]

[Leo Lions]

[Leo Lions]

[Leo Lions]

[bellybabe]

Hey Leo,
Welcome to the board and it's nice to see newbies posting.
But...
I don't know what a "burd" is. I do however know the words "woman" and "girl"... Sexism, along with other isms, is offensive, so let's avoid the isms as much as possible.
Cheers.

[Epykat]

[CatzVP]

[bellybabe]

[bellybabe]

[bellybabe]

[CatzVP]

[CatzVP]

I dont even know if its a windup.....if its not he must have been one lonely guy that his family and friends didn't notice....him and the smell



Kinda gave me cold shivers reliving memories of the Registers of Scotland for a Second or Two!!!!

[Brian McCrow]

AN IRISH CONFESSION

Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes,
Father, it is. "And, who was the woman you were with?" "Sure I can't
be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now."

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I cannot say."

"Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
"what'd you get?"

"Three months vacation and five good leads."

[bellybabe]

[Brian McCrow]

[Davie Bhoy]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
> >at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.He's so
> >familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.They stare and
> >stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
> > >
> > > Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.Thrilled, they send him over a
> >pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.Jesus accepts the
> >drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one
> >after another.
> > >
> > > After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
> >for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
> >When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
> >arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
> > >
> > > Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
> >lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've
> >had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches
> >the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from
> >the Son of God.
> > > "What's wrong?" says Jesus.
> > > The Scouser shouts, "F *** off, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Pal of Porty]

[foxy]

[Davie Bhoy]

[CatzVP]

[bellybabe]

[Gemini]

[Gemini]

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